Got up at 4am again for the 2nd day in a row. This time because Master had to be at the Saugus swap meet very early, so i prepared His breakfast and lunch and helped him get ready. When i was alone, i made up my licuados and got ready to head to Highland Park.

(today my cousin is getting married. It'll be the first time in years that the entire Careaga clan and extended family will be together in one place. I'm excited.)

I walked the 2 miles to Sunland to catch the bus to downtown LA. I peed in my pants doing it, so I had to use the restrooms at Sunland Park to take care of that. Embarrassing. All of a sudden this guy started calling me over. It was this crazy old man that shops at Superior and rambles on about the suffering in this world. He wanted to take me to Highland Park. I was mistrustful, but for some reason I went ahead and hopped in his little carcacha.

He had a beautiful red akita with him. Her name is Cherry. He says he's going to give her to me. He also wanted to give me his car. He started rambling about I don't know what, i simply couldn't understand him. He was driving erratically. "Oh crap, I'm going to die" kept going through my mind. He said I had beautiful legs. He kept slapping his hand on my left leg. He told me he was 65 and that unfortunately he doesn't get hard any more. At that point I got out of the car and walked the rest of the way to my parent's house in Highland Park.

He isn't going to stop bugging me any time soon. He knows my name because of my stupid name tag that I have to wear for work. He's always buying dog food and always goes through my checkstand. Always. I've just encouraged him to continue doing that.

I really want that dog.

I am sitting in a computer cafe type thing called TIa Chucha's centro cultural in Lake View Terrace, 2 blocks from my cold little ice-box trailer. The whole brown pride/Chicano awakening died withing me a long time ago, but sometimes I enjoy coming in here to escape from things that bewilder me or to just to listen to Spanish music that brings out the nostalgia.

A lot of things have been going on in my mind and life right now: the deep desire to go back to my music roots (I miss my piano and violin dearly, and want with all my heart to be able to worship through song and praise and instrument),  a budding new friendship with someone who is surprisingly wise beyong his years, the guilt of knowing I might dishonor S if I get carried away with friendships. I will NOT dishonor S this way, but I stand to lose a lot either way. Ultimately, I win if I stand resolute and stand firm to my convictions. I will lose earth-plane things, but one must always aim higher...


I've been reading East of Eden, which greatly influences my thinking and ability to handle current situations. It's a great book; I haven't finished it yet, but the central theme is mostly developed at this point. I relate to a few characters strongly, and wish I were like one in particular. I mostly identified with one of the characters who is struggling with greatness. And I have been doing that for years now, but mostly losing. There was an astounding quote somewhere in the book that had to do with it, but I forgot to note it. Maybe I'll find it and write a long and heartfelt entry based on that one qoute, and a few other things from this book. But come one, every body else has too.

I think open mike is starting in a few minutes. I don't I'm going to stay for that; S will be coming home soon and will be upset if his little castle is toe-up and dinner isn't at least warmed up.

Laters, my loves. I'm sorry I'm always so vague but when I do have internet access I never have enough time to pour out everything.

My mom made me a traditional Cuban dress when I was 11 years old. I've gotten fat since then, so I only wore it once. It went through many female relatives who proudly wore their culture, but it is back in my hands. Now that I've lost a lot of weight, it fits from the front. I have yet to make it close from the back.  Someday if I ever have a daughter, she will inherit this dress.

Today makes it a year since S and I went on our first date to Malibu and I tried his cooking and did many non-conventional things that normal people wouldn't dare try. And we kissed on that day and I knew what a real French kiss was like as well as other stuff. He said we were going to celebrate tonight as he was going to buy a bottle of bubbly but knowing him he'll most likely forget. He's occupied right now, stubbornly refusing to give up the past all the while saying it's a dreamkiller; unwilling to see how he's overly eager to go along with the dreamkiller, compromising his budding dream. I have a horrible feeling, accompanied by a horrible physical feeling called vertigo. I've been dizzy and nauseous and losing my balance and weak at the knees and all around weak for the past 2 or 3 days because of it. Because I have layers of mocos piled up in my system, accumulating in my ear and causing that nasty imbalance. Or maybe I'm pregnant? just kidding...I can't see that happening. not in this relationship. I caught a nasty bug and still recovering from the cold and I'm all mocosa and miserable.

On to other news because of the brush fires near my home it's annoying trying to get to my house -- errr, trailer. THe exits on the 210 are blocked, Osborne and Foothill is blocked off, the bus has to take a detour and the foothill bridge is still under construction so I don't know if I can walk it...I don't think S will like having to pick my ass up because he's still high as a kite with his dreamkiller. So I'll figure something out.

Oh god, I love Lake View Terrace but I really miss the sycamore trees of Highland Park.

Happy 1 year anniversary S! I love you (dot dot dot)

As some of you may have noticed on my profile, I have an amusing enfatuation with Walter Mercado, and everything/any one just like him. Not that I believe in the things he says, I just get giddy watching him act flamboyant on Primer Impacto giving out people's horoscopes. Such flair and fancy...aaaayyyyyyyy.
Monday I happened to come across the horoscope section in the Hoy magazine and what he had to say about my sign, Scorpio, is so very true to what the hell is going on with me right now:

Whoah Nelly. It says it all. Not many people know the whole spectrum of my relationship. Only a small number of people know but a few details, others know only the juiciest of the juiciest details, some just a general overview, others only know the drama that has put my life on hold for the past few months. Maybe someday I'll be ready to open up and divulge all, I mean ALL, but right now I can't say anything. I have no choice, I have no say. At the moment, for once in my life Walter Mercado resonated true with every fiber of my being.

I've been losing weight, but I still feel fat. I hadn't realized how much weight I'd lost until I visited my parents' place for the weekend and started cleaning out the closet. Got rid of many skirts, dresses and shirts that are just too big for me , and hopefully, will never fit again. Then I found my bridesmaid dress that I wore for my sister's wedding 4 years ago. Back then, the zipper actually closed, but with the help of a corset and girdle. Now, it closed easily without any aid. It's just to big for my boobies.


On to other news, I think I hit subspace the other night. It felt...weird. I was very detached, spaced out, emotionally comfortably numb.  It was neither good nor bad, just a different state of being. But I didn't like the reason why I got there in the first place. Hmm. More attempts to be made in the future. Is that good or bad?

I've been missing for a while, a long one. People have been inquiring about me, wanting to hang out with me. One of my closest friends wrote me a long letter wondering how I was doing, and I finally responded. So in short, I'll just cut and paste what I wrote to her here so that anyone who is interested in knowing how I'm doing, in a very vague, general description, yet deeply personal at the same time, can see for him/herself. 

I love you all.

I  just had the chile relleno of my dreams. It was soooooooo good. Consequently, I broke my veganism for 10 minutes of pleasure and upcoming horrible digestion problems. I already feel it settling like glue in my system.  When M finds out, and He will, He will be very disappointed, angry, and quite possibly I'll be disciplined harshly for it. But the good news is that the craving is finally out of my system. Once I find the right chile relleno, I no longer have need to crave it. So that's it. I can go back to eating raw again, and go foraging up the box canyon for sting nettles with the dog.

Another year, another music performance and my mother once again stays home. I don't know why I get so upset. I'm her most musically talented, artistically inclined child and she never made an effort to attend any of my concerts, performances, piano recitals, art open houses, etc. Or at least the ones that really really mattered. She'd go way out of her way for say, my brother's band performances or my sister's choir concerts. But never mine.  I'm beginning to think she feels justified for investing so much time and money on private piano lessons through the years that she doesn't need to see me actually enjoy playing it, other than playing piano at church, which I really, completely detest with a passion. As long as it has a functional, practical use then art is fine with her. But still, you know? This Christmas concert meant a lot to me. I really wanted her to attend, I knew she would have enjoyed it. I sang Handel's "Hallelujah" for goodness' sake. It's one of her favorite pieces.

Well the Holiday Recital was great! The entire Performing Arts Division participated, including the orchestra, jazz big band, all the choirs, African drum ensemble (they stole the show!), dance department, and theater arts department. Like I said, the African drum ensemble kicked ass. Their beats were great, their tribal dancing was AWESOME. It really got me in the mood to get up and dance. I love how my body responds to it, even though I don't know how to express it :(
The principal viola player is so cute. I've seen him practicing his instrument a few times in the music lab and I love watching him handle the viola. He had a beautiful solo in the Greensleeves song the orchestra performed and I got all mushy on the inside. He's too cute!
Then the dance ensemble did a few numbers from the Nutcracker Suite. One of the male dancers, he's totally gay but he's soooooooo cute. I used to have a secret dumb crush on him when we were taking advanced tap dance. Even though I knew he's gay I'd still drool over his cuteness and firm tight juicy ass. I don't care about him any more, I don't see why I thought he was all that cute, but seeing him running around stage, flitting and prancing around with the female dancers, wearing a tight white leotard got me all giddy and giggly. I totally love flamboyant people. They are my weakness. (My boyfriend can be flamboyant and he used to be a ballet dancer so I'm completely happy, hehehe...)

The choir came last. We sang 3 songs: "Peaceful Was the Night" which is this beautiful, very complicated and intervalic piece. It was our shining moment. Then we sang 2 pieces straight out of Handel's Messiah: And the Glory of the Lord and Hallelujah. I got lost on Hallelujah. And it was the easiest piece too. I felt dumb. I still wish my mom would have made it to the recital. I know she would have liked it.

I miss Serge. I wish he would have been at the recital too. He would have loved the ballet, the African Dance, and the jazz big band. Almost like his presence there could replace the emptiness of not having my momma there to be proud of me. Deep down, that's what I most want; to have someone actually feel proud of me. I miss him like crazy right now, I sure as hell know he's picking that up as I type. When I see him on Monday he will know what I'm going through right now, that I have a lot to think about and that I must face up to reality. That brings a lot of turmoil and internal conflict within me. He's offering me a great opportunity, a chance of a lifetime. And I'll gladly spend the rest of my life with him if I can just get over a few things that hold me back.  But I still don't know what I'm made of, how strong I am, how resolute. He's picking all this up this very moment and I wonder how he feels about it.

I want to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and EAT and undo everything that I have worked for in the past month or so. Then I want to go to sleep.

I did my PE midterm today. I ran a mile in 11:17, which isn't too bad, but it's really good for a fat girl like me. Eight weeks ago I ran the mile in 12:26, so it's a good improvement. It's been the fastest I've ever ran, even since high school. So, nine years and a hundred or so pounds later I'm faster, stronger, more agile than I was in my youth. Even though I weigh a heck of a lot more.

I also weighed myself today. If I were still on Weight Watchers, I would have reached my 10% goal today. It's been exactly 2 years this month that I started weight watchers. I'm not going to say that I completely wasted my time and money; I actually had some great improvement while on program, I just blew it away. And almost got as big as when I started. It's been almost a year since I left program, and all I have to show for it is that I barely reached my 10% weight loss goal. If I would have stayed on program and committed to it, doing things right, I would have reached my lifetime goal by now.

But no use crying over spilled milk.  Just move on and set a new goal. So my new goal will be this: focus on losing the next 10% of my current body weight. If I lose 2 pounds every week until the end of this year, I will have met that requirement. And from then I'd focus on the next 10% until I finally reach the desired weight.

Sounds good, eh? It's a lot harder than it seems. Throw in a new goal, to become more comfortable with the transition vegan diet by the end of the year. Right now I'm just experimenting, beginning the transition. This takes time thought, so I'm not setting any specific dates. All I know is that it's been exactly a week since I gave up animal products and processed foods. Feels great.

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I came home this morning from school and my dad and brother were comparing guns. My brother recently bought himself a gun, and my dad hasn't touched his in years. So they were excitedly holding them and comparing sizes, etc and making plans to go to the shooting range in December, when my brother in law is in town for Christmas so all 3 of them can compare guns and compare skills, etc. There totally was a strong air of testosterone in the house when I walked in. I guess guns represent how big and badass a guy is, so the cartoon above pretty much sums it up? I don't know....

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My kitty is curled up in my lap and letting me pet him. I'm listening to jazz music as I'm writing. Ahhh, this is so relaxing.

I must pack and search for that sleeping bag. I'm going camping this weekend to Anza-Borrego Desert State Park and I'm so excited!!!!

My goodness, I can't sleep. for the second night in a row. I need lavender tea with honey.
Other than that today was a very good day.

Friday night I FINALLY went to Rambo's Tacos and enjoyed my burrito. Then I took a picture of the famous Rambo painted on the side of the truck.








Very satisfied customers.

Tonight is the premier of a long documentary entitled "The War." It airs on most PBS channels at 8:00pm. I am so excited I can only squeal with delight like a pig rolling around in cool filth.

Tonight's focus will be "The Necessary War" here's the summary: The story of World War II is related through the eyes of ordinary people. First up: "A Necessary War," which summarizes the war and its cost (some 50 million lives).

I haven't been this excited in a long time. And incredibly nerdy at the same time. This is even better than the Desperate Housewives season premier next week.

La mujer madura



La mujer madura sabe lo que realmente quiere. Se conoce lo suficiente a sí misma para saber dónde, cuándo, cómo y con quién quiere realizar algo, sin importar el qué dirán, y aún muchas veces por encima de la opinión de su pareja; esto es sinceridad.



La mujer madura nunca se involucra en un escándalo. Si descubre un infidelidad, no se pondrá a la altura de ninguna otra mujer, sino que conservará su compostura con firmeza y decisión, pero sin vacilar un instante para poner en su sitio a quien la traiciona; esto es dignidad.



La mujer madura conoce sus atributos y no siente temor ni celos de reconocer los de otra mujer aunque no sea de su agrado, porque ella sabe que para cada quién existe su cada cual; esto es equidad.



La mujer madura no necesita que su pareja le de un calendario de actividades para ella saber dónde está y qué hace, porque se siente ama y señora de la situación; esto es seguridad.



La mujer madura no revisa a su pareja cuando llega ni le despierta a media noche para preguntarle qué está pensando, sabe que su compañero está con ella y no necesita reafirmar su seguridad en sí misma con estos detalles; esto es carácter.



La mujer madura mantiene su espacio y no invade el de su pareja, sabe reconocer que no es propiedad ni tampoco propietaria de nadie, porque tiene amor por sí misma y por su compañero; esto es respeto.



La mujer madura sabe aceptar las diferencias de gustos sin hacer pataletas para salirse con la suya, acepta sus derrotas sin manipular la situación; esto es humildad.



La mujer madura no se guarda una palabra de apoyo o un gesto de aprobación, porque conoce el valor de sentirse apreciada; esto es generosidad.



La mujer madura no busca vengarse con las mismas armas, ella conoce el dolor que ocasiona y cuánto lastima una palabra o un gesto inoportuno; esto es lealtad.



La mujer madura no teme decir la verdad de una manera clara y serena sin enmascarar sus sentimientos pero son lastimar al otro; esto es honestidad.



La mujer madura no necesita poner un espía detrás de nadie, a ella le basta una mirada para develar el alma de quien comparte su vida; esto es confianza.



La mujer madura ha aprendido a interpretar la vida, conoce su lugar y lo asume con propiedad porque conoce su papel en la vida, ama simplemente y se deja amar; esto es sabiduría.

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Bueno, quizas no llene completamente la descripcion de una mujer madura, aun me falta mucho para alcanzar esa meta. Pero sí entiendo todo le que implica, y hasta cierta punto, me identifico con ella. Sera porque tengo un buenisimo ejemplo de una mujer madura en forma de mi querida madre. Durante todos mis años, he aprendido a apreciar, respetar y admirar a mi madre. Creo que admirar a una persona sobrepasa el amarla, o por lo menos viene siendo una alta forma de expresar tu amor por esa persona. Y con mi mama, pues verdaderamente la admiro y me encuentro queriendo emularla. But I still don't have to guts to share all this with her. I guess I'm just too proud. And isn't humility one of the characteristics of a mature woman? I'm getting there, be patient...

Had my jazz concert tonight. It was really good. I sucked, but everybody else did great. I'm glad my friends went: David, Justin, and Erika. They got to see what "real" music is and it inspired them all to get better at the instruments they already play (David plays guitar and electric bass and a little bit of drums, Justin plays bass and the sax and the flute, and Erika plays the piano).Well I completed my mission then. I invited them to come to my concert not to see me play, because honestly my talent is nothing compared to everybody else's, but to encourage them to improve their musical skills. I am satisfied.

My mother and 2 aunts also went. They enjoyed the music, especially the latin jazz pieces, but they complained that it was too long. My aunts also did something that annoyed me and which I consider very immature and ignorant. The concert was divided into 2 halves, the beginners class and the advanced class. I was in the beginner's class, which went first. By reasons beyond my understanding, it turns out that almost all the students in the beginner's class are young. The advanced class is mostly made up of older men, mostly bald, but with a few young adults here and there. And of course, as the name says, they were more advanced and played a lot better than us.

But my aunts decided to crack a very inappropriate joke about that phenomenon. As soon as I was done performing I sat down with my friends to enjoy the rest of the concert. One of my aunts walked up to where I was sitting, and very loudly cracked a joke. She said "So you have to be that old to belong in the advanced class?" and laughed at her own cleverness. Mind you, the concert was STILL GOING ON and she said it very loudly. I let her know that the comment wasn't appreciated, but she didn't catch on. It became the running gag throughout the rest of the concert, my mom and her sisters making fun of the older students on stage. Even when the concert was over, they were laughing amongst themselves about how old the students were, etc etc etc. They must have thought that because they were speaking in Spanish, nobody else would understand, so it was alright to continue.

It offended me, I'm sure somebody else in the audience was offended as well. These are my fellow students and they had just had a knockout performance. They deserve more than just common courtesy and respect. But my aunts and mom were very immature and embarassed me in front of my classmen.
What's more embarassing? They make Latinos look bad. They behaved like gente chusma.

Afterwards my mom and I were driving home and mom discovered that she lost her cellphone at the concert. So she immediately blamed the "stupid concert" for having lost it. Gee, what a nice way of saying she enjoyed my performance. She turned into bitch mode and hasnt changed ever since.

But whatevers. Next time I won't invite my aunts to any more concerts.

Had my first final today: had to play several pieces on the violin. I would have done a great job if the teacher hadn't rushed me through the music. I squeaked and screeched a couple of times, but other than that I did  pretty darn good. I'm loving playing the violin, even more so than the piano. Probably because it's been a lifelong dream of mine to play the violin like I was a gypsy musician from Eastern Europe (ever heard of Les Yeux noirs? They're awesome!).

As for the upcoming finals, practice practice practice!!! Two more concerts to go and I can call it a good semester. I already had 4: one choral, one instrumental, and 2 dancing. Don't ask about the dancing. But next I have a concert coming up this Saturday night and I'm dreading it. I STILL can't improvise! Wish me luck. We'll be playing blues, swing, bossa nova and jazz. And I suck.
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I am really enjoying being a music education major. At the same time I'm mentally ripping the hair out of my scalp for not choosing it earlier...like fresh out of high school. At this rate, I'll be in school till kingdom come. Well if you think about it, it's not too long from now. At least I won't have to worry about paying back student loans...what a relief.
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Everybody who is in school and wrapping up the school year, hang in there, study for finals, and good luck! As for my friend aztecson23 , Congratulations on graduating! I'm so happy for you!!!

I'm so excited, I WILL be going hiking tomorrow. While all my girlfriends are at the beach waiting for the fog to clear up so they can tan, all the while beating traffic and huge crowds of people, I'll actually be doing something. And it will be sunny in the desert, not at the beach.

Yesterday was my first jazz concert, as required by my instrumental improvisation course. I had to comp and improvise to a beautiful tune, "Recordame" and I was scared out of my mind. We went to this little cafe in Sierra Madre and performed for almost an hour. I was about to flake out, but then decided there are better things in life than running away from my fears. So I stayed and played. You know what? I did great. I even surprised my teacher and classmates. And I had a lot of fun doing it. I overcame my crippling fear of messing up. I guess I can apply it to all my insecurities in life. I have another concert coming up in 2 weeks; I think I'm really going to prepare for this one so that I won't be afraid when the time comes.
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What's in your hygiene products? How toxic is your shampoo, conditioner, and facial cleanser? You might be shocked at what you see.
http://www.cosmeticdatabase.com/index.php

I am pleased to see that my facial cleanser was on the top of the list with a score of 0/10. Also, I recently switched deodorant to one that has no aluminum it it; it has a score of 1. I am not pleased, however, to see that my shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer are in the 7 - 8 range. I don't think I want to know where my toothpaste and other things fall.
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I'm beginning to take a bigger interest in the things I put in my body, ever since I made major changes in my diet and also after reading Our Stolen Future, a real eye-opening book. It talks about how man-made chemicals such as chemical fertilizers, pesticides, herbicides and synthetic hormones do much more damage than we realize. Part of our ignorance on this subject is because for years we have only focused on whether chemicals cause cancer or not. But we fail to realize that the endocrine (hormone) system is so sensitive, and that most of these chemicals act as and replace our own hormones, that even low doses inflict the greatest damage. It was a scary book. But the truth isn't always a walk through the flowers.

Check out that website (http://www.cosmeticdatabase.com/index.php) and if you can, read that book. Tell me what you think.